I know a lot of my readers may not have children. I know that many may not care about this post. But, what I’m about to tell you will apply to adults as well as children. A wise person gave me some sound advice the other day after I told him about my struggles with getting my son to do homework. His son, who is now a 4.0 student and a baseball player at the University of Hawaii, struggled in the fourth and fifth grades with homework, especially writing assignments. He talked to his teacher many times, about the fights they got into over homework. This teacher was a very strong woman who loved teaching. One day she told him, “Don’t worry about it. This is what I’ve learned over the years:

“Boys do things shoulder to shoulder.”

“Girls do things face to face.”

WOW!!!!

This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought this would work until I tried it one day. We sat down side by side at the table and actually got through homework without any fighting. He was able to take instruction and remain calm. So, apparently, face to face communication with boys is a confrontational stance which causes aggression.

So, I tried it with other men and standing next to them instead of in front of them seemed to work. No arguing at all!

My friend told me he told him wife things that he would never say to her while sitting in the driver’s seat. See? Shoulder to shoulder.

I remembered that I learned this when I was in law enforcement. If I took more of an Aikido stance – a little sideways, right leg back, left shoulder turned towards the person, hands in front of me – the situation would de-escalate. The offender tended to re-think what he or she was about to do. Amazing what one little step can do.

I’m going to try this with every encounter and see what happens. I’ll keep a calm attitude of peace, but be ready for any action.

Colorado has about 300 days of sunshine, and only about 30 days of completely gray skies. So, when we get overcast conditions and fog like we had these past two days, people seem to be a little bit nutty. It’s eerie when you can’t see the mountains. We are so used to seeing them in the background, guiding our every move, and that when we don’t see them in our line of sight, we are afraid of being lost. Maybe it’s simply a matter of the fog enveloping our brains so we can’t think straight.

Do you think that’s what happened to that young man when he decided to shoot all those people at his college in Oregon? Was it so gray out there that his brain shut down all logical thought? Was he that depressed?

Should we blame his actions on his poor mother? Should we blame it on the world as it is today? Should we blame it on the media for showing these incidents over and over and over again? Should we blame the shoot ‘em up gaming? Should we blame the fog?

It saddens me to think that young twenty-somethings seem to have a harder time coping with the times. We older adults seem to cope with things differently; not always the right way, but we cope. Maybe we lived in a simpler unconnected time, not having computers, cell phones and texting. We actually had to call on party lines and when the long-winded Aunt was on the phone, we had to go over to someone’s house to talk to them face to face. Wow! (Today, however, I do communicate with text to stay in touch, so I’m not completely out of touch, but I still insist on meeting the parents of the children my son hangs out with.)

Maybe the answer for these violent events lies in the fact that we have become so isolated from human contact. Maybe it is the violence we see in movies or TV, or even online with all these realistic shooting games. Maybe death isn’t real to young people. They haven’t come face to face with death. Living humans don’t have a reset button. But, is all this an excuse for violent reaction to things that have gone wrong in one’s life? Do they not have a sense of place in the universe, a profound sense of belonging to something bigger and better? Are they not held responsible for being productive and kind human beings in society? Are they so isolated and self-absorbed that they don’t feel responsible for creating a better world? Why are we so afraid?

I know it’s hard, but somehow we need to teach our children these life lessons. We all need to get out of our own fog and live and create a better world.

Today, as always, I will hug my child and tell him he owes me to become a productive, loving, kind and beautiful human being who cherishes life.

You’ve heard these quotes at one time or another in your life:

“Hope springs eternal….”—Alexander Pope

“All human wisdom is summed up in two words: wait and hope.”—Alexandre Dumas

“Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.”—Robert H. Schuller

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”—Martin Luther King

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”—Desmond Tutu

“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.—Jonas Salk

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”—Albert Einstein

There always seems to be hope, after any major war, in a futuristic dystopian society, even up until the meteor crashes to the earth. Lately, I have been reading a lot of novels and short stories from the World War II era (All the Light We Cannot See, Anthony Doerr, 2014), and in the dystopian fiction genre (The Last Policeman, Countdown City, and World of Trouble, Ben Winters, 2013-2014). Perhaps it’s because fall is here and plants are dying or going dormant. Maybe it’s because that’s what I needed to read to understand my place in the universe. Or maybe it’s just because I see so many people sweating all the small stuff.

People in these book scenarios never seem to give up, even though tragedy is occurring in their lives. They are brave and full of hope for their futures, even though a catastrophic event is about to occur. Are they crazy, holding onto something that will never be? Is this what we want out of our lives? Are we as a people brave enough to accept the inevitable? If we died tomorrow would we be happy with our accomplishments?

Why is it that we can’t learn that all of the little daily distractions aren’t important?

Why is it we can’t learn to look at the bigger picture even when all the little things keep getting in our way?

Is it possible to focus on the world around us without getting sucked into the negative?

Why do we always need someone to blame?

Why does it matter what other people think? Is it being afraid of isolation?

So what’s the answer?

Can we communicate without revealing way too much information? Can we enjoy a conversation in public without others butting in and needing to tell them their story? And, is it our obligation to listen to their stories?

I think it’s possible to have a balance, enjoying the company of each other as adults without sharing too much information or being distressed by their stories. I think we can take lots of time for our family and kids and have a decent life. I think we can make it in the world without blaming and being angry at all the external forces. The world goes on and we have to raise our children in the safest and nurturing environment possible.

We are responsible for our children. But, we also have to teach our children responsibility. We have to teach them that they are accountable and must accept the consequences for their actions. Children have to learn hard life lessons from the beginning so they will become great citizens and great parents.

As parents we also need to learn to relax, but we can still be a force in our children’s lives without being overbearing. And sometimes that includes discipline and accountability. Each year we tend to give kids more choices, but these choices must come with more responsibility for their actions. We hope that these life lessons we have taught them will build up in their minds, overlapping into a positive driving force. This driving force helps shape their personalities. It is the choices we make as adults that influence the choices of our children. And, as a result, it is the choices our children make that will influence them to become better adults.

As adults we know our brains and bodies are aging. It is inevitable. But, we can keep them active and sharp if we learn along with our children.

A great young author recently wrote these words of wisdom and I have embraced these thoughts:

“Nothing in life is certain, nor is it guaranteed. There is no certainty; there is no guarantee. There is only the mountain peak on the horizon, shrouded in clouds and curious majesty, waiting to be explored.” (quoted by Martin Fullenbaum, in Emails from Heaven, by Sam Neumann, 2014.)

So, as the saying goes: “Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’s all small stuff.” (Richard Carlson, 1997.)

There is always one more hill to explore but live in the present moment with the hill you are currently climbing. Live for learning side by side with children and seniors. Sympathize with others when they are going through something. Be patient. Get rid of negativity. Live to give and receive hugs. Live with hope.

Summer is ending. How we loved being outside.

I am a crazy do-it-yourselfer and I spent hours in the sun: sweating, digging, mowing, weeding, moving rocks, and yes, building a Colorado red flagstone path around the new deck. Finally, fall is here and I am reaping the rewards of my labors of love – my toil in the sun.

I am aware that most people don’t understand how I can get my bliss from this labor of love. But, for those few precious hours, I am alone in a world of toil and peace. I don’t have to worry about what’s happening next week. I don’t have to worry about self-imposed deadlines. I’m just in the moment.

Last weekend, after I finished placing the last of the big rocks (I recovered from other beds I had outlined in the yard) to make a new kitchen garden (near the kitchen and off the deck, of course!), and placing all of the dead limbs we cut from the trees into the compost bin, I finally went inside. I showered, got some cold tea, walked outside and sat in the swing. I looked around and admired my handiwork. I should have been happy with my accomplishments. But my brain wouldn’t stop! I saw all of the things I still needed to do. I was obsessed with the “Fall chores” – getting back to writing the novel, school starting, the outdoor cleanup, the leaves coming, and what I wanted to do next year. I couldn’t stop thinking about the new list! As I was obsessing on these thoughts, my ten-year-old son came out and sat down next to me. We sat silently together, sipped our drinks and looked out at our handiwork. Finally, he broke the silence and said, “We did good, huh Mom?”

I smiled and nodded and gave him a hug, the crazy new list fleeing out of my head. It will be there tomorrow, I thought. We kept on swinging, and enjoyed the silence, the birds, the freshly mowed lawn, and the last of the flowers showing their colors. We only had that moment. But, it was enough.

To be an integral part of a productive society, and especially women in this society, there is a profound need to help each other get things done, and get it done together. Bickering and name-calling amongst us about the tiniest of slights doesn’t help the cause. Don’t get me wrong. We are allowed to disagree, but when the disagreement makes a project stop all together, when is that productive? Of course, men do this, too, sometimes on a larger scale. But when either sex lets things get personal, democracy stops in its tracks, sometimes at the expense of millions of people.

As individuals we must get things done. When we get together as a group, it is equally important to come to an agreement of what is best for the good of the group, without taking it personally when it is a different idea. Not everyone is going to agree to the methodology, but if everyone can learn to listen to the ideas without any preconceived notions, projects will come to fruition.

I wrote this in Chapter 1 of my book, Silver Element and I still believe it today:

“I may not have the most beautiful yard or the most immaculate house, but I get done with what needs doing. This theory plays into every aspect of my life. I make effective changes that work in all of my endeavors. I organize my life in little chunks of time. And, when I need help, I work it out with another who needs something from me—they get a task done for me, and I help them with something they need. Together, we create a bartering system that allows us to become efficient in our tasks.”

“What we, as psychologists, social workers, and therapists have to understand is how to have order in our lives. If we can’t show our clients that we are healthy, organized, and complete tasks on time, how can we expect our clients to emulate us?” Caitlin asked. “We want to lead by example. How can we commit to work side-by-side with clients if we are not doing all the tasks better than them? It is up to us to make changes in our lives and move towards a global picture of the future. We can learn how to be self-sufficient, and make a difference in our communities. And, when disaster strikes, we can be there to help each other out. We become the role models.”

I worked in government a long time, and found it difficult to be a part of things that weren’t productive. Sometimes my suggestions were rebuffed, not because they were wrong, but because they sounded politically incorrect and words needed to be changed. Sometimes, I had to make decisions that were good for the whole of society, without worrying about what anyone in the smaller group wanted or believed in. It wasn’t always a popular decision.

That is why today, I am asking individuals as well as the current political leaders, whether small group or large, to do the same thing, to make right decisions, regardless of what their constituents believe or what the media portrays. It’s not about being re-elected. It’s not about the glory. Sometimes you just have to stand up for the people and their cause and what is the right thing to do.

Author and writer George Takei said this in his book, Oh Myyyy! There Goes the Internet:

“If leadership requires a fired-up sense of purpose and imagination, it also demands a profound connection to the society to be led.”

In conclusion, Like the old Nike Ad says: Just Do It. It’s important for each of us to create a To Do List, on both the micro and macro level. What needs to get done today? What needs to get done for the week? What needs to get done for the month? The next year? And then post it on the refrigerator or somewhere you’ll see it every morning to help organize your day.

Be a better leader. Live with your faults, but make the right decisions. Do the best you can in the world you have. Don’t expect someone to do it for you. And when they do, thank them profusely and do something equally important for them. Ignore the impossible and get involved. Create a better world for everyone.

Every day, I open my email and get bombarded with all kinds of crazy stuff and I’m not even trying to read any of the garbage. But sometimes, I get a joyful note from someone who I’ve helped, or I just wrote out of the blue to thank them for telling a beautiful story.

Recently, I received an email from author, Marcus Sakey, who has written tons of books, the ones I have most loved so far being Brilliance and A Better World. He also had a movie made out of one of his books, and has starred on a TV show called Hidden City on The Travel Channel. I wrote him on his website to thank him for writing his books and how one of them really hit home. I told him:

I know you are a busy man, but I wanted to say hello and tell you how much I enjoyed Brilliance and A Better World. I wrote a review of A Better World on Amazon and posted some thoughts on my blog (drutieben.com). They affected me that much! So, I hope I didn’t overstep. I am new to fiction writing and have only published the first in my series (Caitlin Ferguson mysteries) on Amazon, and a lot of my thoughts come from my past law enforcement experience. Your research intrigued me as I have called in a lot of favors from my old cop buddies in order to make the story real. My advice to other writers has been to contact the experts, but there are so many who don’t and their story is weak and I am disappointed. I was not disappointed in your work.

So, I just wanted to say thank you for your research and your intriguing story. I look forward to future books in the series.

 A few days later, he replied:

Hey Drusilla,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write, both to me directly and on your blog.  Both are much appreciated.

Congrats on your own work, by the way!  You’ve got the right idea, using the resources you have.  Nothing drives me crazier than reading a scene that is just fundamentally ridiculous.  I’m thrilled mine rang true to you.

All my best, and again, thanks.

Now how cool was that? It took me a few minutes to write up a review and take a chance to write someone famous. He was so kind to respond and give me encouragement. The lesson I learned out of this is that you don’t have to ask for anything, and you don’t expect anything. Instead, I’m grateful for the connection with another writer.

 A lesson this summer for me is:

I keep reading. I am so inspired by authors who take a chance and put their work up, and then become famous! So, when I’m feeling frustrated with my work, I choose a book to go into someone else’s world. It gets me back on track and I get right back to it. I don’t expect compensation, so when it happens, I’m thrilled. I refocus on the work. As a new writer, when we start out, everyone thinks they are going to be a rock star and make millions. That only happens to a teeny tiny amount of people. In reality, most of us just want to tell our stories, and tell them well. My advice to new writers is this:

Write the book. Do what you can and move on to what you truly want to say to the world.

I don’t know how many times I have attended meetings and found it difficult to focus on what was being said, mainly because the speaker was so terrible. I’ve worked for the government for over thirty years in every aspect, and I’ve seen some of the worst presentations possible, especially after PowerPoint was invented. I responded to his statement:

“Presenters who fail to craft and deliver clear, meaningful messages become background noise, much like the music in the elevator. We know it is there, it might even be pleasant. However, do we really pay attention to it?”

For someone who rehearses her speeches multiple times before family, friends, and the dogs, I understand the importance of practice, performance and appearance. I want to present a concise important statement and have the audience pay attention in hopes that they will learn something, or sway them to my point of view.

Dr. Mark Tamer speaks of the glut of information out there and having quick access on every type of electronic device. Junk mail is pushed towards us abundantly, and he advises us to understand Attention Management and refrain from using visual clutter in a presentation. He advocates for a commanding personal presence with less reliance on visuals. People will then focus on what you as a presenter are saying.

Dr. Tamer’s book is an excellent resource for anyone who needs to brush up on their skills. I’ve written a self-help book in the past, and I like to read a book that has a clear and straightforward message. This book teaches you how to hone your presentation skills.

As a writer, I especially liked his chapter on Words to Avoid. I don’t know how many times I’ve found these junk words which add no value to my message. I took his list and went through my current project and deleted most of these words.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is trying to improve their skills to present an important message to any audience. His book is available on Amazon.com at a very reasonable price. Thank you Dr. Tamer.

Amazon has just made our books available on Kindle Unlimited. You can sign up and try it out and it’s free for 30 days. It’s the RedBox of books! There are over 600,000 free books available. Wow!

Discover the Life You Want to Live and Silver Element are on Kindle Unlimited for free. I would love for you to buy my books after you check it out, but reading it is also a wonderful thing. Check it out and thanks!

Time for another visit to the peaceful moment. Lately, things have been very hectic for my friends and sometimes I feel the pressure to make everything better. The truth is, I can only make things better for me. I can be a sympathetic ear, but sometimes I have to revisit what’s inside my own head and simply be a good listener and hope the best for others.

I recently read Marcus Sakey’s Brilliance and A Better World. I was blown away with the second book and his thought process. There were so many things that he wrote and said so much better than I could have. I want to understand how he wrote it and continue to pursue excellence in my work. I put up a review on Amazon to thank him and here was my favorite quote:

“Cooper had a theory about personality. Most people considered personality to be a singular identity….But he tended to see people as more of a chorus. Every stage in life added a voice to that chorus….What marked the difference between healthy people and broken ones…[was that] the inappropriate voices held an inappropriate number of spaces.”

 I didn’t put these up in the review, but they were awesome quotes:

“Everything in life comes down to intentions and results.”

And, finally:

“The world works because people agreed to believe it worked.”

This sums up where I am at in my world today. Instead of the chorus, I think of my working brain as how someone would see it when it comes out of a 3D printer. I look at how my thought process was shaped through the layers of my life. I divided it into two big layers with many, many sub-layers:

LIFE and WORK (The past layer of my life):

My adult thought process was shaped through my work. I learned to organize thoughts and understand the patterns and layers. I looked for the patterns and thus observed the predictive behaviors that would occur in a criminal’s mind or an event. I layered my thoughts like a 3D printer, filling in details as they come to me. I looked for the missing pieces of the puzzle, looked for the reasoning behind the intention and then kept filling in the details until I got results, which included profiling and aiding in the arrests of criminals. I continue to draw from my past to create the present.

WRITING (the present layer of my life):

The present layer of my life has had many false starts. I erase the thoughts that don’t fit, I start over; the story dies; and then I rebuild it, sometimes going in a totally different direction. If it gets covered in too much snow, as many gardens do in the spring in Colorado, I can hope that the layers of mulch and love have protected the plants, like the layers of thoughts overlap to protect my story. And, if it truly dies, I will rebuild. My words can change many times through cutting and rewriting, until finally, the layering is right and the story unfolds. And, by choosing the sub-layer of Mystery, I am in my element and the characters’ layers reflect their personal mysteries, a group mystery, a big picture, and any impending doom. So, if the world stops working because people no longer agree or believe that the system doesn’t work, then it’s time to prepare for doomsday. And, as a writer, I’ve prepared for this over and over again. Thanks Mr. Sakey for your insight. It helps me keep going.

Keeping up with my writing is always a challenge. I love it and hate it and things always get in the way. That’s why blogging is useful. It helps me settle my mind and reboot. The garden is in and thriving. The weather has set in and now it’s time for the old butt in chair. And, even though I agonize over every word, I’m back in the saddle, settling down and creating beautiful thoughts.

Besides, I always meet interesting people who have interesting comments. Some are writers, some are friends, some are crazy people (which I am trying to learn to ignore-and I don’t approve their comments!). It’s all a part of the process. It helps me create better characters and better stories.

It helps me ignore all the dog poop in the yard (How can two little wiener dogs poop so much? We just picked it all up!), the weeds that need pulling (Bindweed is a Colorado curse!), and 90 degree weather for just a little while longer. I’m in my element!

A shout out to Laura Kirwan, author of Impervious who helped me get back on track! Buy her book!

Impervious