The other day my husband I were at Costco and we were so amazed at the absolute rudeness of some people. Granted it was a busy Friday on a holiday weekend. Granted we expected it to be busy. What we didn’t expect is people cutting us off with their carts, stomping their feet, giving us the EYE as if we chose at that very moment to cut in front of them.  We didn’t get mad. We just laughed at them, hopefully giving them the message: “I’m sorry, but I don’t accept that kind of behavior.” I want to ask them, “What are you, a 2-year-old?”

In fact, we don’t have to accept rude behavior. It’s that can’t wait and entitled attitude that has gotten us into trouble in our society. Although I continue to be polite to people, I usually don’t receive that politeness back. In fact, people don’t even acknowledge that I have been polite to them.

We can begin to change this behavior by being polite to each other within our families and homes by turning off the shouting on the news media and think for ourselves. We can slow down a little, read a little, take our turns (remember preschool?), and simply take a breath. Then and only then can we enjoy our time on Earth. So, kick back and read a little Robert Fulghum (may I suggest his first book, All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten). You’ll be happier and maybe you’ll live a little longer.

For those of you who missed the Local Author’s Forum today, here is a copy of my speech. Sorry, but you had to come to the library on Sunday to hear the reading of the book! Enjoy my thoughts:

Not everyone can write or write well. For those of us who choose to write – to tell a story – one that everyone will enjoy, the task can be both a delight and a curse.

For those of us whose write non-fiction, we can get on with the task because it seems so easy to organize the facts and reiterate them on paper. There are so many bits of information in our heads that we must get them out! So, preparing to write non-fiction was the easy part for me.

However, when I take on a new project, I over-prepare. I read and re-read everything in the genre. I take copious notes. I confuse me. I outline and re-outline. Then I sit. After about an hour of self-loathing, and questioning my sanity, I make many false starts.

I begin to think of everything else that needs doing around the house – you guys know what I’m talking about. And, sometimes, I succumb to all those distractions, get up and get on with the doing. I put on a load of laundry. I wash the dishes. I go out to the garden and work for a while. Then, I take the dogs for a walk. And, by taking them out, I realize that I have succumbed to their mockery.

When author Annie Dillard was writing something particularly hard, she stated she looked down and discovered that the dog was staring at her. In her book On Writing, she stated, “The dog opened one eye, cocked it at me, and rolled it up before her lids closed.”

She said:  “People should not feed moralistic animals. If they’re so holy, where are their books?”

After all the non-writing, I finally take heart to the task at hand. I take a deep breath, sit in front of my computer, set up the page, and begin typing. I start thinking about writing my Great American Novel (which I am currently working on, by the way). And, Voila! I get a chapter done and I’m amazed.

Some days the writing is really easy. I think it’s the best prose, ever! Other days, I just cut everything out of the work because it’s so bad. (I have learned to save all those precious paragraphs in another document, because they might be good after all, And, I might need them later! Or not!).

Anne Lamott, author of Bird by Bird, once stated that “We write to expose the unexpected.” We writers write for many different reasons. Some of us are driven to tell stories since we first learned to write. Some of us catch the bug right before we turn 60 (you can guess who that is!).

The arduous tale can be told easily or painfully. Annie Dillard once said, “Much has been written about the life of the mind.” Not all writers understand why they are driven to write. They just do. And our readers are happy to buy our books, because they didn’t have to write them! They have the fun and easy task of enjoying the tale.

However, telling the tale is just the beginning. Then the real work begins. You have to get through 152 edits. When you are satisfied with what you have, you send it out to be rejected on the average of 45 times. Finally, the right agent finds you. They send you The Response. The publishing process has just begun, but you are happy. The next 500 steps are both a curse and a joy, because now you’ve moved on to your next project and quite simply, you’re sick of the last one.

But, the ultimate joy for any writer is seeing their beautiful book in final print, all glossy and new. We’ve had our say; our 15 minutes of fame, and now the masses can enjoy our thoughts.

SAVE THE DATE AND PLEASE COME:  Sunday, June 2, 2013 – 1:30 p.m. – 4:30 p.m. LOCATION:  LOUISVILLE PUBLIC LIBRARY

LOCAL AUTHORS WILL SPEAK, ANSWER QUESTIONS, AND SELL THEIR BOOKS! I will be there, and I hope to meet and chat with you all.

________________________________________________________________________ Now on to the thoughts of the day:

• Why is everything Epic right now?

• Why are we so obsessed with Hoarders right now?

Currently, there are 1.2 million people in the USA who suffer from compulsive hoarding. That’s 1 in 300 people! Wow! I watch Hoarders on T.V. while I’m cleaning out clutter. It’s that motivation that keeps my sanity, and our house free from crazy clutter. I do know this:  I don’t want my child to come home one day and discover that a stack of newspapers has fallen on me and killed me, and the dog has chewed off my ear….

I do understand that hoarding is a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but I still can’t fathom how anyone can live in such massive clutter and filth without others noticing. Are we so busy in our lives, that we don’t want to notice, or are these people really, really good at hiding their disorder? As a so-called civilized society, we value our privacy, but when does privacy become a hindrance to protecting our loved ones? I submit that it is everyone’s responsibility to take care of the very young, the old, and the infirmed. I believe that a hoarder can be classified as infirmed.

If someone cannot take care of the home that they are in, why are we, the children, setting them up in this home without help? Don’t you think that even though the adults were horrible to you as a child, it’s still your responsibility as a family member to be the more mature adult, and help them get out of a dangerous situation, even though that family member is still horrible to you?

I know that it’s hard to seek professional help for a disorder that’s so personal and weird to us. But, sometimes, we just have to be willing to take a stand, do the work, and take the adult out of that environment into a safer one. Sometimes we have to realize that no one is normal and that’s okay. Some of us just function better in this society.

And a final few quotes:

• “The truth is that life is hard and dangerous;That one who seeks his own happiness does not find it….That truth is only for the brave….That joy is only for those who do not fear to be alone; That life is only for the one who is not afraid to die.” — Joyce Cary

• “I find myself attuned to the grandeur of life and in unison with the perfect order of the universe.” — Odin

I’m listening to music from We the Kings and thoughts pop into my head about teaching a class for adults titled Adult Etiquette in Polite Company. (I know…It’s the way my brain works.)

Every day I encounter hundreds of rude people, and I often wonder: Do they know that they are being rude? I’m not allowed to be rude to them so why do I have to put up with it? In a so-called civilized society, why is it that the established hierarchy is allowed to berate a newcomer to their crowd, when he doesn’t conform to their rules (when he doesn’t even know the rules)? Just because you don’t filter your comments, and you may appear rude to others, does that justify anyone getting upset? I want to ask them this question: “When does rude behavior justify rude behavior?”

When did we all lose sight of a polite society? Didn’t the seniors of today grow up in the same time as my parents? Did they not grow up in a middle class society? Or, are they all richer than me and hang out in the company of other sorority members, or another isolated and irreverent system?. Did they never relate to the working class of people?

If these seniors want others to turn on their filters why don’t they turn on theirs as well? And, why aren’t we brave enough to confront the rude person calmly and tell them what is and isn’t appropriate behavior? Why do we need to get the authorities involved? What happened to people solving their own problems calmly and rationally? Are we so isolated in our living, only thinking of ourselves, that we can’t care about others’ opinions and views, even if they are different from ours?

In Renea Winchester’s book, In the Garden with Billy: Lessons About Life, Love & Tomatoes, she asks, “When did the invisible shift in integrity happen? When did people start caring more about themselves, filling their lives with expensive things, unable to see the suffering of others? And more important, will they continue to serve themselves and ignore the needy?”

I submit that everyone you meet will broaden your views. You may not agree with them, but they can touch your lives if you let them. I never forget anyone that I’ve met. They were put in my path for a purpose, so I learn something new with every chance encounter. If someone needs a helping hand, I help them even if it’s just to talk to them. If they are truly dysfunctional, I seek help for them. It’s up to them if they take it. And, if they’re rude, I’m not rude back. If they don’t listen to me, I will exclaim that they are entitled to their opinion, but I disagree with them, and will be happy to discuss it at a later time. It may not resolve their issues, but I’ve given them a chance, and then I move on. So I ask everyone to take a chance, and then move on! Broaden your perspective. And, don’t get The Man involved unless absolutely necessary. Promote love and peace.

On a happy note, it’s beautiful in Colorado today, 55 degrees (a bit warmer than the 7 deg. we had the other night) and the sun is shining. I took a walk and enjoyed the sunshine, storing up the rays for the cold that’s coming in this weekend.

Or…Where We Stand Is Where We Sit….

I’m reading an excellent book called The Price of Civilization: Reawakening American Virtue and Prosperity, by Jeffrey D. Sachs. He is a world-renowned economist in Clinical Economics, an operating principle which means “…that the economy is intimately interconnected with a much broader drama that includes politics, social psychology, and the natural environment.” He believes that “without restoring an ethos of social responsibility, there can be no meaningful and sustained economic recovery.”

Mr. Sachs reveals his studies of the American people and the current state of affairs. He surveyed hundreds of thousands of Americans and concluded that “Americans are very different from the ways the elites and the media pundits want us to see ourselves.” He states that the American people are generally broad-minded, moderate, and generous. These are not the images of Americans we see on television or the adjectives that come to mind when we think of America’s rich and powerful elite.”

However, Mr. Sachs also states that our political institutions have broken down. Unfortunately, the broad public no longer holds the ‘elites’ accountable. He further states that “American society is too deeply distracted by our media-drenched consumerism to maintain the habits of effective citizenship.”

That statement hit home. When people get comfortable, they no longer worry about their neighbors. They are no longer a part of a ‘mindful’ society. We have chased that American dream for so long, we have forgotten to take the ‘middle path’. I believe in his statement that Americans need to “reconceive the idea of a good society…and to find a creative path toward it.” When are we willing to pay the price of civilization? When are we willing to complete multiple acts of good citizenship? The answer is not comfortable so many of us don’t want to face it. I agree with Mr. Sachs’ comments about becoming more involved in trying to fix the problem. He believes that “…compassion is the glue that holds society together.”

I also understand his thoughts that we all have to be willing to pay our fair share of taxes, become educated about society’s needs, become compassionate of others, and act as stewards for future generations.

People have asked me about this book, and when I talk about it they say, “Isn’t it depressing?” My comment is that it’s not depressing to educate ourselves about what has swayed us for the past 30 years. It’s not depressing to find solutions for the problem. There are so many people out there that are pessimistic and cynical, yet they don’t get involved. They chalk it up the ‘government’ being the problem, when in fact it’s all of us that are the problem. All people have the right to vote, yet we don’t bother to vote, or we let the ‘machine’ push us into choices that aren’t for the average person. The ‘machine’ is big money pushing their candidates. When we look behind the scenes, deregulation has continued to be the bane of society. We need a mixture of government and free market enterprise to get back on track.

My generation learned to save, and to give to others, even when things were tight. Apparently, we have forgotten to pass this lesson on to our children. And, with unemployment being high for the next generation, we better hope that we have saved enough for our retirement as well as our children’s extended stay at home and their education expenses.

The majority of Americans believe that the government’s responsibility is to take care of the people who can’t take care of themselves, and this has been an enduring value in American society.

We as individuals have to be willing to get out of our comfort zones, expect the wealthy to contribute, contribute ourselves, educate ourselves and hold our elected officials accountable. We can start locally and think globally. We have to understand that the ultimate purpose of economic policy is the “life satisfaction of the population” as Mr. Sachs put it. We as a society have to revive the personal excellence and community value ethos instead of accumulating wealth and possessions. We have to be given a chance to once again value education and pride in work.

There are lots of people like me who care, who are uber-organizers, are available and willing to help. All you need to do is be willing to seek us out and take some advice to heart. Who knows what kind of friends you’ll make, and what you can accomplish together. So, get involved in your inalienable right to pursue your happiness!

I recently went to a ‘Mindful Eating’ seminar to learn a little more about exercise and nutrition, and see if I was even on the right track. The speakers were Jerry Siravo and Erin Risius, of A Way of Life Fitness Consulting. These folks have been in the business for a long time and had some good ideas.

Jerry stated that 42% of Americans make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. 70% of us quit after 6-8 weeks. Over 80% quit by June 1^st. And there are less than 10% of us still working out by the end of the year.

The health industry is a $1 Trillion Dollar industry, and spends lots and lots of money on advertising, especially the lose weight in 8 weeks scam. They emphasize a miracle pill, or an exercise program that guarantees weight loss in 6-8 weeks. If we buy into this concept, we buy all the stuff, but then we may or may not lose weight. Doing this over and over again makes us insane. And, in the ninth week, we quit. This model is built on a failure rate, so high, it is like the lottery. So, why do we keep doing this over and over again without results?

Most of us quit because we don’t see immediate results. We set unrealistic expectations on ourselves, and, as a result, we work too hard at the beginning and are in pain. We can’t see beyond that ninth week and can’t see it as a lifetime of work – one hour at a time. Change and weight loss are both slow processes, and we all seem to set unrealistic expectations of ourselves.

We can’t undo every bad habit by just going to the gym. We all need to make a life time commitment to be healthy.  Jerry gave the following statistics that I thought were very meaningful:

• There are 168 hours in a week.
• We spend about 68 hours sleeping.
• We spend about 112 waking hours, working and doing all that stuff we need to do.
• So, we only have 0-7 hours a week creating health.

So, why is it so hard for us to create a healthy lifestyle? The health industry is designed to take your money, whether you use their plan or not. It’s up to you to understand that food is an addiction that you can’t cure. You need food to survive, and you crave certain foods, especially those loaded with sugar and salt. The food industry knows this. Michael Moss, a writer for Time Magazine, recently published a book call Salt, Sugar, Fat. In the book, he takes the reader into that mega food industry. He details how much processed foods we eat, especially those loaded with salt, sugar and fat. The industry puts a great deal of time and effort to make you crave these 3 things. Sugar is such a narcotic that we can’t stop eating it. We can’t just eat 2 cookies and stop. We become addicted to sugar. The article stated that “In some ways, getting unhooked on foods is harder than getting unhooked on narcotics, because you can’t go cold turkey. You can’t just stop eating.”

So, how do we slog through all the information that’s out there? It’s not easy. Here are some things to ponder:

• Don’t go on a diet. Instead, think about what you are eating each day.
• Learn to control your sugar, fat, salt addiction (based on what food you have decided to eat).
• Decide how much food you are going to take in vs. how much you burn off.
• Write things down for a while. You have to make a list of the foods you ate, vs. how much exercise and movement you have completed during the day.
• Make a commitment to move each hour (this doesn’t have to be going to the gym, just move around outside and inside your house).
• Eat small (I actually buy small packets of snacks and still cut them in half). Eat only 1/3 of what you get at a restaurant. Measure, measure, measure.
• Don’t overdo…anything! Start small, make it fun and easy for the whole family, and don’t set yourself up for failure.

Remember that all of us aren’t physically built to become an emaciated Hollywood star or the next top model. Why do we strive for that image anyway? It’s not healthy. We can decide to just be us and to live a good life, free from disease and pain.

Just start. Don’t be in pain. Do what you can.

There are a lot of workout, walking, cooking and having fun buddies out there waiting for you to say, “Hey, let’s go!”

So, here I am world!  “Let’s not give up. Let’s go!”

It’s never good enough. No matter how much you work at something, you feel it is never good enough. Well, I ask you: When is it good enough? Why do we always feel like our best can never be good enough? When is your best good enough for you and for this society?

Recently, I was perusing the web for inspiring thoughts, when I came up with this self-help website and this quote:

It’s not who you are that holds you back – it’s who you think you’re not.

Every day, I search for all those little things that supposedly make me who I am. I try to play big every day (Remember that old adage – Play Big or Go Home?), but some days I just have to choose to play little. And, that’s OK, too. If you start little, then expand, you will soon be playing big. It just takes time.

Our kids constantly hear about doing their best, when in reality, most people expect them to be perfect. That’s when I think about POGE-The Principle of Good Enough. It is an acronym, (originally a software term from Linux). POGE is defined in Wikipedia as is a rule for software and systems design. It favors quick-and-simple (but potentially extensible) designs over elaborate systems designed by committees. Once the quick-and-simple design is deployed, it can then evolve as needed, driven by user requirements. Ethernet, the internet protocol and the World Wide Web are good examples of this kind of design. This kind of design is not appropriate in systems where it is not possible to evolve the system over time, or where the full functionality is required from the start.

Quantitatively, a measure of “good enough” may be assessed by establishing both a tolerance of only one previous iteration of a design; when the metrics converge to or below the cutoff, then the specification has been satisfied.

In other words, make the best damned thing you can of any product (or situation), and call it good enough! Don’t over- or underestimate; do the task at hand.

My very good friend told me a story about a guy he worked for who needed a very simple computer application. The original worker designed such an elaborate project and after many months it still didn’t work. Finally, my friend was asked to take over the project and he had it done and working in about 3 weeks.  The guy was critical of my friend’s app because it wasn’t ‘sexy’ and relatively basic. The boss was ecstatic because he had something that was ‘good’ enough’ and got his superiors off his back.

Once you believe it is good enough, finish it with pride. When you are at a point where you are satisficed, (Satisficing: a portmanteau of satisfy and suffice; a decision-making strategy that attempts to meet an acceptability threshold), move on to something else.

The ultimate key to success (and thus completion of a project) is keeping the right attitude. We learn to maintain a positive attitude in the face of adversity, and we will have the perseverance to achieve our goals. POGE allows us to accept that sometimes simplicity is good and can be valued just as much as something elaborate and not as effective. It helps us keep overwhelming dilemmas in perspective. It helps us stick to a system of doing things that keeps us organized and unstuck. We learn through trial and error how to get unstuck and to find out where to go from the stuckedness (a term I came up with in my book, Discover The Life You Want To Live). We readjust our attitude and get started again.  

I just read Stephen King’s Guns, a Kindle single. He spoke frankly about the Connecticut shootings, and made me re-address my thoughts on gun control. In an earlier blog (January 14^th) I spoke about trying to address safety individually, to teach our children to help each other understand what being safe means.  I also stated that no matter how much the media (and people) scream for more laws and rules, we still haven’t fixed what’s already on the books, and millions of people already own guns or have illegal guns in their possession. The “Let someone else take care of it” doesn’t keep us any safer. One more law won’t change the fact that there are always going to be crazy people out there who want to harm us. We have to talk to our children in a logical manner about safety and how they can protect themselves without the use of guns.

Having said all this (again), I appreciate how Mr. King laid out the facts in his essays. He spoke about pulling his book Rage, not because he had to, but because the kids who came in the classroom with guns used it as an excuse. He didn’t apologize for the book, because it speaks of all that teenage angst and bullying that the shooter kids also went through. He did not think that the book caused them to act like they did, but he stated that “They were unhappy boys who were deeply and psychologically scarred.” He felt that the book could have been a possible accelerant to their already broken states of mind. He took the responsibility to take a potential weapon out of these types of children’s hands.

He goes on to speak of the media being like “drunks in a barroom” and no one making any sense. The sensationalism in news could be fixed, if we could take it back out of the rating system. What happened to the Edward R. Murrows, the Huntley-Brinkleys and the Walter Cronkites? That’s the type of rational, logical news people we need. We don’t need people who spout nonsense just to get ratings. Why can’t we do away with ratings for news? If you say it enough times, does it make it true?

He also spoke of the death toll. While it is indeed a great tragedy (26 were killed) and we continue to grieve that loss, he stated that “The homicides in Chicago last year exceeded 500….107 of them children, some just waiting to get on the school bus….”

Where I agree with Mr. King to change the laws are threefold: strict prisons sentences for those who carry illegal weapons or concealed weapons with no license; to impose a waiting period before they buy them; and require background checks.

Having said all this, I know what the realities are, having worked in law enforcement all those years. Unless the government decides to fund more positions, an agency (of any size) will not be able to get all the background checks done in time before a gun is issued. When the Brady Bill was in full force, we had lots of volunteers, grant money to pay some people, and we still couldn’t get through with all the requests. The result – people bought them anyway. And, there was still no recourse for people buying from each other, just like today. And, there are no repercussions for those who currently own illegal guns, and very few convictions. So, it’s a fantastic idea, but I have a hard time believing that the people will be more protected with a new law.

Finally, Mr. King talked about the media stating we are a Culture of Violence and he goes on to give an excellent argument (and statistics) as to why this isn’t true. Again, if you say it enough times, does it make it true? Where are their facts? We are probably less violent that in the olden days, even with the new games. The statistics just don’t add up when you look at arrests, the TV shows we watch, and the games we buy. (The top-selling game last year was Just Dance 4 for crying out loud!)

The bottom line is this – We must teach our children love and respect – love each other and their families, and have enough respect for them as well as all the other folks they interact with – and that will keep them (hopefully) from going out and shooting them. Teach them about how to live in a society, how to protect others and themselves, and how to deal with emotions that every young and old person feels.

So…..shut off your phone and all of your devices and actually have a conversation face to face – with each other. Don’t isolate yourself from your own family. We have conversation time after school, and at dinner. We learn all kinds of things that are happening in the world. Imagine that!

So, buy this little book, read his essays and think about what he said. It only costs $.99 and the money goes to a good cause – to revive and improve the Brady Bill.

I have been reading Neil Peart’s Ghost Rider (I know…I read the oldest one after the newest one, like I always do). Anyway…it is a hard read in the winter. It’s about dealing with his grief over the loss of his daughter and wife. In the late 1990’s, his daughter was killed instantly in an automobile accident on her way to college for the first time – she was 19. His wife died a year later of cancer, which wasn’t diagnosed until after his daughter’s death – he believes it was from a broken heart. Oh, and his dog also died a year later. For the next two years, he coped by isolating himself for a while, journaling his thoughts, writing letters to his friends (some he hadn’t talked to in years) and riding his motorcycle on very, very long rides (throughout Canada, the U.S., Mexico and Central America).

At first, it seemed strange to me that he escaped away from what he loved (the music) to grieve for his loved ones. I would think the music would soothe his soul. Yet, it was too interconnected to his old self. He talked a lot about how his friends were very supportive, yet there were just things they just didn’t get, and he had to solve it before he could move on. He eventually came back to his drumming and his old friends and bandmates, and reconnected with people he had forgotten about. He also found someone new to love and help him, after grieving for almost 3 years. He married her and created a new self and family. He returned to his music, and Rush is still alive and ticking, and on tour as I write (and are coming to Red Rocks – YEA!). They have been together for 38 years, not just as a band, but as friends.

I’d like to think that I could have friends like that. But, I did have the love of my family when I was down and out last year. When my mother died, I wished that I could have had one more conversation with her, just to let her know that she was loved. Alas, she had no memory of anything, and was very ill. I was also ill and in pain, so I didn’t really cope well. My family tried to understand, and help, but as always, you simply have to work it out in your head. My parents were never what I wanted or expected (Isn’t that true of all of us?), but they were my parents, and, if I wasn’t what they expected, I was who I was. Everyone copes with the finality of death in different ways. It took me 6 months of overeating, no exercise, being sick in heart and mind, and finally surgery, to deal with grief. Neil was allowed to escape on his motorcycle, and exercise (and drinking), yet I had no outlet except food and isolation. I escaped into books and TV, and depression. When I was finally able to forgive myself for not going back to the funeral, or being the daughter I thought she wanted me to be, I started to live again. I stopped eating so much, and began to enjoy the outdoors and my family again. I started cooking, eating better, and created an exercise regime. It’s still hard to juggle things, and I continue to overreact on the little stuff, but I don’t give up, and I’m on the healing road, no longer a Ghost Rider (or Ghost, period). I know that I will never be my old self again, but I can only hope that I have created a much better new self.

I don’t think my family always gets me, but I know they love me. We have to I hope that I can earn respect from them once again. It’s interesting how we cope, whether escaping through travel, exercise (or no exercise), drinking, eating, or simply escapism through books and TV. In reality, we have to figure out where we can go with our grief, where we can make our lives better. We have to learn to love and respect ourselves before we can ask others to do the same. We have to learn what we really are – before we can ask others to get us.

When we love ourselves, we learn to earn our own respect. When we love others, we can only hope that we communicate the love and respect for them, and they will learn to do the same.