Tag Archives: parenting

Hallmark Moments

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AND: Love, Romance, and Aging Brains
Have you ever found yourself watching the Hallmark Channel around the holidays and getting sucked into the story, even if it is really bad, full of cliches, and with a festive atmosphere where no one is angry with each other? And a little part of you is starting to want to have that life, that moment after the big fight where you kiss and make up, near the mistletoe, and everything is wonderful, and everything is with your soul mate?

Wellllllll…. We all know this quest for true love and romance doesn’t always happen in real life, right? We all go through the ups and downs of daily life, and as we age, things get harder to face in the real world. (Also, notice that everyone in all of these movies is beautiful, has money, and is very young?)

What I’m trying to say is this: We create our Hallmark moments every day that we interact with the ones we love. We strive for perfection, yet embrace what is given. We can love each other the way we are, not perfect, yet make our dreams come true with what we have. Love can conquer our greatest fears as long as we acknowledge our past and move on to a future of our own creation.

In the movie Fred Claus, Fred, Santa Claus’s brother, realizes that there are no naughty kids and that every kid deserves a present at Christmas, no matter how small. It’s the thought of having a loving family surrounding them that counts, not the present itself. In the real world, not every kid is always good, and not every kid gets a present, or even has a family. There are so many of us who forget about the love portion, no matter what we do.

There are rich spoiled kids with good and bad parents, and poor kids whose parents treat them poorly, or kids who don’t have parents at all and are in the system. But I’d like to believe that the majority of parents pull together for the holidays in ways that aren’t about how they were treated by their own parents. I’d like to believe in those happy moments where families just love each other for who they are in this present moment. Sometimes it’s hard to get beyond our weird family dynamics, but there is hope for all of us to love each other in ways we weren’t loved. There is hope that we can become better parents and grandparents and forgive those who treated us poorly in the past. There is hope in seeing others not as different or less than us, but as part of our bigger family, part of being human, people we should embrace and call our own.

So sometimes I have weird dreams, and my family dynamic from the past interferes with my aging brain’s headspace. But I try to overcome these moments and say a little mantra, forgiving all the past trespasses of my family or me against my family. I try to see where I’m at today and be thankful for my loved ones who love me unconditionally. I try to love them the same way that I want to be loved. I remember the good times and try not to beat myself up with the bad times. It’s hard to forget everything, but my brain and body have lived for a long time on this planet, and I hope it continues to live a little longer to see a change in our world for the better.

All I know is that I have done what I could to help others and will continue to do so through many, many small acts of kindness. I hope you’ll do the same. But I think most of us can be better than you know who, and, at least when I fall asleep in my chair, I don’t have the world watching me because I am in charge of the highest office in the land. Time to step down and become a human being, mister! And threatening people’s lives is not cool, so stop it and overcome your pettiness and selfishness. Be a kind and gentle leader for once in your life! No amount of gold on the walls will make you happy with who you are if you don’t take care of all of the people in this country. Enough said.

I hope everyone has a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving. Make beautiful food, share it, and continue your traditions, as well as make new ones for the future. Overcome your dark moods before everyone comes home and try to stay in the moment. Love each other the best way you know how, and extend a helping hand to others in need. I send out much love to all this week!

Angry and Out of Control

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Or: The only perfect people are in the cemetery.
“The graveyards are full of indispensable [people].”—Charles de Gaulle

The other day, I talked to my friend who had a visit from her grandson’s wife and great-granddaughter. The young one was so out of control, talking back to her mother that my friend became upset. The kiddo kept saying she didn’t have to apologize or do anything they told her to do. She’s 9 and already at that teenager angst! My friend was very upset and got angry with her. She caught up with her, grabbed her up and told her under no circumstances was that behavior allowed because this was her house. My friend sent her out of the room and she slunk back in later, never really apologizing to her mother. It was sad to hear that. My questions about this ridiculous behavior are: “Were we all like that at that age or were we older when teenage angst overtook us?” And “Why aren’t we teaching these kids to be humble when they are in the wrong?” And one more: “Is it a discipline issue or is it a sign of the times?

Children go through all kinds of crazy emotions and love you and hate you at the same time. It’s up to you as a parent and grandparent to weather all the storms, and try to make the winds of change flow over you instead of right at you. If we get angry with our children we’ve proved their point. So the hardest thing to master as a parent, grandparent, or great-grandparent is this: Don’t get angry, just let them fume in another room. Then, re-visit them when they’ve thought about it. They will be pre-teens and teenagers – that is a human’s life cycle.

Adulting is hard work but you have to teach your children how to get there and accept responsibility for themselves, the good and the bad. Don’t enable them by letting them blame you for all their woes. Parents aren’t perfect, but they try to do the best they can with the knowledge that have been given or have learned themselves. If we have taught our children well, they will pass on that knowledge to their children. It’s hard, but we have to realize that when children find that they can punch your buttons and you give them ammunition, you allow them to place the burden on you as the parent. You have to be brave and let them make mistakes, hopefully, not life-threatening, by telling them what’s inappropriate. It is up to the child to learn over and over again how to make their life better and not blame their parents and grandparents. Give them the foundation, but let them go when they need to be on their own. Be there when they need you the most. But also, don’t expect a child to change if they haven’t had the background of loving parents who don’t teach them how to deal with the frustrations of life. You learn from each other, but you hope they learn to be a better person than you are. That is the goal of parenting.

In his book, All the Wild That Remains, David Gessner stated that personalities develop through a dose of nurture and a dash of nature. Gessner wrote of the life of Edward Abbey and Wallace Stegner. They had hard childhoods, but persevered and became better human beings as a result. Gessner stated that Stegner believed that individuals have a hand in their own fashioning. “He held onto this conviction his entire life, frequently using what would come to seem dated words like will and determination.” They overcame the hardships of their childhood.

Today, we look at the children who are acting out in public to those who didn’t harm them, and it embarrasses many of us. Perhaps they were more privileged and didn’t get the nurturing they needed as children. Perhaps getting likes solves their need to be loved. We just have to keep explaining to them that all of that is not real. It’s more important to make changes in writing to those in charge. Tiny little cogs in local government can’t solve everything, but if enough people write and attend local meetings, things can change for their neighborhoods. Shouting and filming local police and council members doesn’t help. Persuasion using the written word and great public speaking will change things. Think about it: Does shoving a camera into someone’s face change anything? Sure, you might make them uncomfortable for the moment, and you might even get arrested. But think about all of the other people watching what you are filming. Think about how you are making them uncomfortable. And they may support that opposition because of your actions. Those that vote see your behavior as an attack on an individual (even if they are truly horrible to their constituents). You may not like those buffoons who are spewing information that has no basis in fact because they are following the party line and that guy in office, but have you really made a change in that person? Only reading what is being done, fact checking information that is being given to you on reliable sources, and voting for someone who cares about all people will create a wind of change. So young people, stop sitting on the sidelines or filming stupid acts! Get out there and vote and create relationships with a new driving force! Enough said.

“Order is the dream of man, but chaos is the law of nature.”—Henry James

I love you all and try to flow like me with the winds of change every day that you are alive!

Reflections on Defining Our Identity and the War to Come

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“Identity is an entirely made-up construct, formed largely based on stories other people tell you about yourself.” – Veronica G. Henry, The Canopy Keepers

There are many books in this series, but I encourage you to at least read this first one: The Canopy Keepers

You learn many things about yourself from your family’s stories before you establish who you are. But when you make a decision to go the path you are destined to take, you may counteract all of those stories they have given you in all the years you lived with them. You break out of the mold and become the person you were supposed to be.

If you spend any time with the Buddhist monks, they might ask of you “Who are you?”
I once met and hung out with some amazing monks from China back in the 90’s. I was at an event in Northern California and later at the person’s house who housed them for the time they were visiting. There were a few older ones and a lot of young ones. The older ones appeared to be so very wise and my skeptical self said whether it was a con or not, I listened to what they had to say. And for a while, I felt at peace. They weaved red ropes and gave me a necklace to wear to ease my pain. For a while, I was at peace.

It was the younger monks, though, that just surprised me and made me laugh and enjoy their shenanigans. They went shopping at the local stores, bought sunglasses, baseball caps, and Pepsi. I couldn’t believe how much of that stuff they consumed while they were there. These kids were able to step out of their serious world to a moment in time where they could just be teenagers.

There was a time when I identified with the era of dragons and dragon queens, of Celtic Lore and the powerful belief in magic. I researched the Power of the Myth with Joseph Campbell and read everything I could get my hands on from fantasy authors such as: Marion Zimmer Bradley, particularly The Mists of Avalon, Anne McCaffery, especially the Dragonriders of Pern, Andre Norton, and later Robert Jordan, to name a few.

This powerful connection to the lore of the past made me appreciate the connection to the earth and how we treat it. Reading these books also prepared me for an appreciation of the old world and later to western civilizations and exploration. It led me to debunk the glory of the cowboy and appreciate those that were here before the insurgence of people that didn’t understand the land. I read all of the greats, such as Wallace Stegner, Edward Abbey, Reg Saner (CU professor-Look it up!), and now David Gessner. Their powerful words led me to an understanding of why I am here and not on the east coast. It led me to an understanding of the things that I still want to do in life to preserve what we have, while trying to help people understand that we are the interlopers and should be humble in the presence of those that came before us out in the west. It led me to meeting interesting native peoples and learning how they lived their lives. It led me to a teacher who gave me perspective on their thoughts and ways of life. And finally, it led me to some understanding of how we must continue to protect this wild west at all times, against anything that is thrown at it from crazy corporate schemes. I picked my battles based on what I can do at the time. One day at a time.

There is a war brewing and when it begins, history will repeat itself. “When a war begins, history is quick to tell us who made the first strike (Veronica Henry, The Canopy Keepers, p222).” However, it is not really as clear as Sylvester Stallone’s classic “They drew first blood.” The war brewing outside of us needs to be channeled into what we can do to save democracy, and to save to world. But we must first quell the war inside us and take a stand, unclouding our judgment and creating a better world for us and all of the oppressed.

The war within us helps us define who we are and what we need to do. Parents and grandparents always seem to think they know best, but it’s not true. They can give the foundation for a good life, but it is up to their offspring to discover who they truly are and where they can do their very best in the world. You can have the most experience in the room, but sometimes you have to see a new way of doing things.

Old knowledge can get in the way when you think you know all there is about a subject. So I am asking all of you to listen to all points of view, even when you believe it is wrong, and stop waging the battle inside. Find a way to come up with solutions where we can work together and all wind up at the center of the universe, not as individuals, but together, in harmony, working towards keeping all people free and protected from injustice.

So I am asking everyone to think about who they are and why they are here. I am asking everyone to take a leap beyond what our parents thought we should be. Become that person beyond the perception of your parents, grandparents, and coworkers think you are. Be a responsible homeowner, parent, chief cook, and bottle washer. I am asking everyone to get involved and keep this beautiful land habitable. I am asking everyone to pick one cause that keeps cruelty at bay. Saving democracy and peaceful cohabitation is the right thing to do with our lives.

I love you all on this beautiful rainy Colorado evening.

Maturity and Justice

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I am re-reading How to Raise a Citizen by Dr. Lindsey Cormack because there is so much packed into this little book regarding what we don’t know about our political system, and why we haven’t passed on this knowledge to our children. This should be an awakening to what is happening right now in our country. It should be a part of your parental handbook for life’s simple responsibilities. We cannot buy into the old “we don’t talk about politics because it is not unpleasant or it’s not polite.” That is old and outdated thinking. We cannot protect our children from being upset, especially if they don’t understand how the world works at a younger age. There are levels of teachings that is uncomfortable, but we as parents must embrace the uncomfortable conversations. Sometimes, that is what makes the children as well as their adult parents grow. We have to help them understand how the world can be harsh and how politicians aren’t representing us, but couching the conversation in a no nonsense, calm manner. When we are angry about what is going on, we pass that anger onto the children and that is why they don’t want to participate. It’s okay to talk about hard things in a calm manner. It’s okay for them to have a different opinion from you if they have the facts to back it up. Children (and adults) need to understand how to live in a society that is democratic and fair to all people without fear rearing its ugly head in the conversation.

And here are a few more points on creating a handbook for your children before they become an adult:
First, start teaching your children at an early age on what is important for them to survive on a daily basis when they become an adult. It should include the knowledge of living on their own as a new adult. When they go out in the world, they should understand what the four top items in their budget are:

  1. Shelter
  2. Heat
  3. Water
  4. Food

IN THAT ORDER BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE.
A new adult should have a basic understanding of how things work in the world, like, oh, let’s say remembering to pay their bills on time. New adults should understand a basic contract, and that they are agreeing to pay the rent or mortgage first, as well as the items that come with this agreement, such as the heat and water bill, before spending money on anything else. And they should be a polite human being when they are on the phone with people who are trying to help them.

It is my hope that parents are creating their own handbooks for their children before pushing them out of the nest. It is my hope that the people I talk to every day who are rude, are those examples of humanity that didn’t listen to the good advice their parents gave them. And finally, it is my hope that parents have taken measures to help their children understand how to live their best life by taking care of themselves and others who need them, and creating a better society that believes in democracy and rights and fairness for all people.

While Democracy is slowly being abolished and fascism is taking its place in this current era, we as parents as well as the new adults, should focus on fighting the good fight, not bickering over tiny, stupid things. Place your anger where it belongs. Ask yourself and your friends why they believe in things that aren’t true. Ask your children good questions. Give them a chance to ask you good questions and seek answers that make sense, even if you are uncomfortable.

Ask your senators and representatives why they are not stepping up to support the people. Do our members of congress who are bowing to that guy in office know something that we don’t? Do they know that they are just going to stay in power when the next election comes around? Do they know that we may not even have an election so that’s why they aren’t worried? I urge you to watch the 5/6/25 episode of the Late Show with Stephen Colbert and what guest Rachel Maddow talked about regarding this subject. She had some amazing insight into what is going on out there and how the American people are wholeheartedly protesting and trying to bring about change to what has been happening.

We as a people cannot lie down and take it. We have to continue the good fight against what is happening. We have to focus our anger and frustration into a cause that defeats those who don’t care what is happening in Congress. We have to turn over the vote on everyone who is not doing their job to protect the rights of the American people.

So, take a moment and think before you harass your lowly government workers. Take a moment to look at the bigger picture and fight the fight that needs fighting! We can change the world if we’re all in this together! Thank you for listening.

So, get serious with what needs getting serious about, then you can get silly and sing a happy song! Let’s Go Fly a Kite!

I love you all tonight, even you grumpy ones!

Generational Wisdom: How Baby Boomers Can Inspire Change

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I originally wrote and posted this on 2012. I have made a few tweaks but think the message is still clear for us Baby Boomers to WAKE UP and shake and move what we can! We need to get on with our lives in new ways!

And, speaking of baby boomers, I never really thought I was old until I saw Al Sharpton on the TV (2012). I thought to myself, “Wow, he really looks old!” Then, he said, “The first time I was allowed to vote was in 1972.” Then, I said to myself, “Holy crap! That was the first year I could vote!”
Next thing you know, I’m looking at myself in the mirror and see the face of a stranger – no wait! It’s my mother! All of us go through these series of difficulties as we grow older. Some of us embrace the changes. Others just get grumpy and afraid.So when exactly did we get so afraid?

I wrote this dialogue in my book Discover the Life You Want to Live. And even though I published it right after the original blog, I believe it’s still worth the read. It just may explain this fear:
What happened to us?
-I’m used to women who went to Alaska to save the birds when the oil spilled.
-I’m used to women who took martial arts and could defend others and themselves and felt good about it.
-I’m used to women police officers, horseback riders and trainers – women who have their own tools!
-What happened to us? What is going on with the new twitter-tweeters (or X), texters, Facebook, bloggers, Instagramers,  all of those crazy people who rant and rave about things that aren’t real. Why are they staying and home and believing what they hear? Why aren’t they stepping outside their homes to do anything? Is there a gene that says we have to become passive and safe after we turn fifty? I’m at a loss when I talk to women who’ve never tried skydiving, or taught juvenile delinquents how to take care of themselves – how to take responsibility despite the fact their family is dysfunctional – women who could nurture, yet at the same time remodel a house, remake a garden, bake bread, or rebuild a car and have their own all-women’s car club!
-What happened to us?  I’ve been spending time together with savvy women who aren’t afraid to invest their own money even after 9/11. They are the kind of women I want in my life all the time. I don’t won’t the whiners – the poor pitiful me types. That really brings me down. When I go there it makes me sad. I still want to live a productive life even if I have to be alone, which is a challenging thing to do sometimes.

After 9/11 why were we so afraid? (I am also adding after the Covid epidemic in 2019 to this fear list.) Safety became so big – we wanted the government to do something about it but we didn’t want government intrusion at the same time (we’ll do it ourselves except we want you to protect us mentality) was what people screamed. Viagra, Paxil, those things we started worrying about more because the ads told us to worry about these conditions. Red Hat Societies started, but what did they really do? Talk a lot and drink a lot of tea? Come on! Where’s the doing? Ads about body hair and other unmentionables for crying out loud! What’s that all about? Reality TV instead of making our own reality? Cable shows getting better and better than regular channels, but we have to pay for it; elections being about women’s bodies, gay rights, and religion; our rights being taken away each and every day. What happened to all these women speaking up in the 1960s and 1970s? We got old and gave up. We worried about health care, instead.

So now I must shout to everyone: “Bahala Na!” or “Come what may!” I read this in a novel called Lost in Shangri-La by Mitchell Zuckoff. It is about women soldiers surviving a plane crash during WWII. They were on a small island on what is now part of the Dominican Republic. They had to survive their injuries – concussions, gangrene due to severe burns from the plane exploding, all while walking in uncharted territory with little or no food, where no non-native woman had ever been. These were some tough women! Why have so many of us never been exposed to this environment? Oh, sure, we’re weekend warriors; we have running clubs, but have we really ever had to survive like they did?

And yet, there are people out there doing this every day. They are unhoused folks. Yes, perhaps they made bad choices somewhere along the lines. Perhaps they overspent, and then lost their homes and their jobs. Perhaps they were living on the edge and addictions got in the way. But, as things get increasingly expensive for all of us, we need to rethink our finances and try to help these people in our community. We have so much wealth where we are today. I mean wealth as a term for our lovely town, of living standards that surpass any other place; for green and sustainable living; for our ability to buy and prepare foods that have been grown locally and being able to eat out in places that are healthy and actually good for us. And one that makes us above the average income of any other place in the country.

I know, I know, you don’t think you have a lot of money because you have to pay off your house, your college, your kids’ college funds. But there are people who have no savings at all. They live day-to-day. And, if they lose their jobs, they plunge more quickly in debt. They are not the dreaded welfare moms image that the Reagan administration foisted on us. People who sometimes need help genuinely want to work and don’t have jobs, not because they are lazy, but because their job was outsourced. Women our age have a lot more influence than I had in the past. Now is the time to use our leverage.

We cannot encourage our young daughters to buy into the Trad Wife mentality. It will only hurt them in the end. We need to have honest conversations with them (turn off the phones during that time!) and I encourage you to read all about this phenomenon. It is quite disturbing and is simply wrong. This concept is making only one person money because they are listening to her. IT IS NOT REAL! Here are some articles that I found that explain this current phenomena:
https://www.parents.com/tradwife-meaning-and-why-its-controversial-8656603
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/persons-of-interest/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-trad-wife

Most of us didn’t come from old world money. We came from middle class America. Our mothers didn’t wear designer clothes while cooking or were the perfect wives. We came from a generation that taught us how to cook and keep a home, but some of our mothers also worked outside the home to make ends meet. We also learned how to pinch pennies in a time when we weren’t paid very much. We came from a generation where we knew women were underpaid and did a lot of work, both in the home and out of it.

Now, we have an opportunity where we can give back. We can teach our daughters to understand the 1950s family is not real. We can become the mothers and fathers to others. We can become role models to the people who have never had one. We can teach others how to live within their means, no matter how meager it is. We can give others a chance to survive in this world.

Material things aren’t the most important things in life. We can learn this lesson and teach others how to understand that survival and safety come first. If we are good cooks and bakers, we can help others make their own hearty meals. We can volunteer at community centers and kitchens. We can teach them how making their own food makes the house smell wonderful, and they learn how to be a family by eating and cooking together. We help ourselves and others by turning off the devises, and TV to learn how to appreciate what is free in life. We learn to take a good walk. If we grow personally, we get ideas to stimulate growth in others. Ideas escalate to useful concepts for humanity. Only then can visions of paradise become reality.

I love you all and will walk this path with you if you want. Hugs to all on this cold day!

LIFE IS AN EDUCATION-Reflections from School in the 1960s-Part II

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School in the 1960s was a combination of what we saw as ancient teachers who instructed our mothers and relatives – FACTS are FACTS! – and an introduction to innovative ideas from a student teacher who came out of the university for a semester. The old-school teachers taught facts and memorization. The exciting new teachers had a broader base in mathematics and science. Although we had some wonderful literature and art teachers in our midst, the math and science teachers were lacking.

There were no computers or calculators. All the calculations had to be done by hand. We still had slide rules in science! The early calculators were large and expensive and most of the rural areas didn’t have the equipment. I finally bought my first calculator which only did basic computations in my second year in college. It was a Texas Instruments SR10 which cost over $100.00 (a lot of money for me when you considered I made $2.50 an hour at my part-time job and gasoline was $1.00 a gallon)!

Since my primary education years, the drill and practice routine continued through high school. While I think some of these exercises are important, math and science must be as exciting to the student as the arts were in those days.

My curious nature kept me excited about all subjects, so I embraced and loved the research side of things, especially after high school. I competed in the local and state science fairs for two years in high school. The trip to the State Science Fair was great because you got out of school for the week! Although I never won first prize, I placed third in my area for my project, Crystals and Crystallization, and got to meet all the kids who were just like me! It was an exciting time. Years later, when I saw the movie October Sky, I would remember the feelings Homer had in participating in science in the making! Those were my people.

Years ago, I talked to my mother a lot about my dreams and read the things she had collected over the years. I read voraciously and would live in the library if I could. In one of my primary report cards, my mother commented that I would always bring my books home and read them to all members of my immediate family and my mother’s sisters who lived on the same road. Each time I went to the library and checked out a book, I would run up the road and read it to the aunts. They were my mentors during those primary years.

I was also in the band (since fifth grade) and played the clarinet. We had a small orchestra and performed concerts each year during Christmas and at the end of the year. Thinking back to those days, I was simply good at reading music and had rhythm. I don’t know if I could have gone on and created musical compositions or studied music as my lifetime achievement. But today, I have attended concerts put on by the middle school, high school, university, or even to the Denver symphony and relived those blissful memories in the performances these amazing people can give to us. My appreciation for music is the same even if I lapsed in my own practice.

In the Deep South (in my day), things move a little slower, unless you are living in a major metropolitan city. In my neck of the woods, I was a small child in a large world. I lived out in the country, far away from even the small cities, where my girlfriends lived. If I wanted to go anywhere for parties, I had to beg for rides from them or someone who could drive. This became disconcerting when I had dedicated events at school. It was up to me to get there most of the time.

I remember that I really disliked social studies and history – these classes were simply a lot of fill in the blanks. The athletic coaches usually taught these classes, and they weren’t always the best choice for these subjects. There was no excitement in learning about dates and battles and learning facts for tests. I didn’t get great grades in those junior high years (but who does?). I wanted more and would not revisit these subjects with any interest until my senior/adult years. (My husband says I am like every old man talking about books from the world wars. It is one of my current fascinations, and it is not just about the dates! But, more on that later!)

What I do remember of my junior high years was that it was a period of awkwardness and socialization. When the hormones kick in, the brain functions on a totally different level! Our parents were not as prepared to deal with these subjects, and we believed that they never really understood what we were going through.

Today, these feelings are still there. Children are just going through them in a very loud and public way. They turn to the media because sometimes parents just don’t know how to listen to them. They become more isolated because of this same media and their lack of social skills. They believe the media presence instead of the adult. Most parents have been given a certain societal mold by their parents of what their children should conform to. Realistically, parents must change their thoughts and learn to accept what is put in front of them and what their child is becoming. However, having said all of that, I do think parents should also be given a little more credit than what we gave our parents. They are more informed today due to that same media and open discussions. So, this cranky old one would like to give you young people some advice. We sometimes have more knowledge about these subjects than you give us credit for! It’s okay to listen to us about some things that are important to you.

It is my hope that we recognize what teenagers are going through today and have open and honest conversations about who they are inside. Acceptance is hard if your child is different than the norm. It takes time, but you can do it if you are open-minded and don’t let your past cloud your judgement. So read, learn, and talk about these subjects before they leave the nest. I send love out to the universe and hope you can all reach the stars!

-Stay tuned about socialization and more on math in Part III!