Blame Game – Continued

“If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he’ll look for his own answers.”—Patrick Rothfuss

“You are responsible for your life. You can’t keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on.”—Oprah Winfrey

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”—Wayne Dyer

“Some people love being victims because they love being able to blame someone else. Accountability [emphasis mine] is too much for them. They don’t like being responsible [emphasis mine] for who they have become or where they are in life.”—Anonymous

So I had to stop and take a breath last night but I’m back. Sometimes I just overwhelm myself with my dreadful thoughts. This will be my 135th post today.

But you all know I’m not wrong. I want to continue down this pathway for a little longer and promise to say something nicer tomorrow.

Author Finn Robinson states that some people have had past encounters where failure led to punishment of some kind, therefore they are ruled by fear. Thus, they feel that they are justified in thinking that others should be punished for their actions. He also stated that these same people aren’t good with taking criticism, even if it is perceived criticism. They have a hard time learning from their past mistakes and feel it is just someone else’s fault. They live in denial, or in the case of seniors, in their version of the past. Unfortunately, the past isn’t always a better time. It’s better to learn from our mistakes and move on to a new way of doing things. For further information see his article:
People who blame everyone else instead of taking responsibility for things share 12 common traits

Arash Emamzadeh authored an interesting article in Psychology Today. He stated that “…blaming others is a defense mechanism [or] an unconscious process that protects the finger-pointer and blame-shifter from experiencing unpleasant feelings, such as guilt or shame.” He further stated that “Blaming is usually considered part of the defense mechanism called projection, which involves denying one’s own anxiety-provoking or negative characteristics and seeing them instead in others.” Finally, he asked: “Are certain individuals more likely to shift blame onto others? Yes, according to a recent series of investigations by Kaufmann and colleagues: Blamers tend to have difficulties with emotion regulation. For further information go to:
Why Some People Will Always Blame Others | Psychology Today

Accountability and responsibility. Author Lachlan Brown takes a step regarding how you can reclaim your life and be who you need to be. You don’t need to blame others if you step up and admit you are accountable for your own behavior. He lists 11 tips to accomplish this. Here are a few:  

  • Stop blaming other people. The most important step to taking responsibility for your life is to stop blaming others.
  • Stop making excuses.
  • Ask yourself how other people impact you if you think you are a victim.
  • Love yourself.
  • Stop complaining – this takes more energy than just accomplishing what you need to do.

The rest of his tips can be found at: https://hackspirit.com/taking-responsibility/

So, sometimes we get it that you may feel isolated and lonely, and want to have human interaction. However, there are so many places that you can visit to talk to others and resolve what is going on with you. Volunteer to help others so you understand there are bigger issues in the world. And maybe take a breath and count to five the next time you call wanting heads to roll at a government office for something that you could have easily fixed yourself. Enough said….

Love and hugs to those in need tonight! Enjoy the flowers popping up. Enjoy the weather before the storm in your lovely little part of Colorado.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz-Part II

This is an extension of Tuesday’s blog with a more in-depth analysis. Ruiz believes we have been taught since childhood to “…fit into society’s mold,” which made us forget who our “true selves” are. If we can adopt the Four Agreements as part of our lifestyle, we might break through these limitations. Why wouldn’t we want to live a life of freedom, happiness, and love?

The first agreement, Be Impeccable with Your Word, is a powerful understatement. Our words are a power that create influence on everything. Words are not just sounds or symbols. Nuances carry energy and intention. They can heal, harm, uplift, or degrade. Every time we speak we can go in a direction of positive or negative. Inflection is key, and your intentions manifest through your outspoken thoughts. Negative and hateful speeches can bring doom and gloom to any conversation and create a world which we don’t want to live. Remember your history. This happened many years ago in Germany. A horrible leader used his words to manipulate a whole country, mostly intelligent people, into committing the most atrocious acts and enter them into a World War. Humans destroyed each other because he activated their fear. They became afraid of each other. Ruiz stated that “Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system.” Being impeccable with our word can transform us, create a better belief system, and foster loving and healthier relationships.

The second agreement, Don’t Take Anything Personally, delves into the idea that people’s actions and words are reflections of their own beliefs and emotional states, not necessarily about us. When people react negatively to what is said to them, and they don’t believe the information is the truth, it is due to the fact that they are actually struggling internally to some message they know isn’t true. They stand by a belief or misinformation. They believe they are in the right. The vulnerability of this emotional turmoil makes us hurt, angry, or defensive, and we lash out. If we can take a step back and not be swayed by either praise or criticism, we become more emotionally stable. If we can have honest conversations and agree to disagree, we can make progress. In the movie, Dr. Strange, he is confronted by the Ancient One on a roof top in New York. Dr. Strange had a terrible car accident which crippled his hands (he was a neurosurgeon). In the conversation the Ancient One reminds Strange of his fear of failure. Strange thinks it’s what made him a great doctor. The Ancient One told him that fear was what actually kept him from true greatness. She tells him that was why he never found true happiness. Her last words to him were: “It’s not about you.” So let’s look outside ourselves, our fears and move beyond “taking it personally,” we might learn something new about the rest of the world. Ruiz states: “If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of those emotions.”

Two favorite quotes of the day. Something to think about:
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”― Maya Angelou; and
“When someone tells you that a term or phrase is more accurate/less hurtful than the one you’re using, you now know better. So why not do better? How does it hurt you to NOT hurt another person?”—Ron Howard

Part III tomorrow on the third and fourth agreement. I love you all and hope you take a moment to reflect what’s holding you back to embrace love in the universe and yourselves.

It’s Not My Time

  • “It’s not my time, I’m not going. There’s a fear in me. It’s not showing. This could be the end of me, and everything I know. Oh, I won’t go.”—Three Doors Down
  • “We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch.”—John F. Kennedy
  • “Time is free, but it’s priceless.”—Harvey MacKay
  • “Time will not slow down when something unpleasant lies ahead.”—Harry Potter 
  • “A man who dares to waste one hour of life has not discovered the value of life.”—Charles Darwin
  • “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”—Bil Keane
  • “It’s not the time in your life; it’s the life in your time.”—Bruce Springsteen. 
  • “Time waits for no one.”—Geoffrey Chaucer from The Canterbury Tales
  • “The time for action is now. It’s never too late to do something.”—Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

It’s not my time is a concept that we all struggle with throughout our lifetime, and yet there is no one clear cut answer to the question of when will my time actually materialize. We may think it will never come, or we may just avoid the question completely, especially when it comes to our end of life and we feel we haven’t finished everything we wanted to accomplish.

But what is time in the grand scheme of things? It can often refer to a mindset where someone believes a particular opportunity, situation, or life event is not happening for them yet. It suggests that a sense of waiting for the right moment, often tied to feelings of patience, destiny, or a belief that things will align when the time is right. If we settle for what is available right now, and it is not perfect, we may regret it. It may limit our possibilities. But a willingness to wait for something better creates inaction, leading to apathy in the present. Neither is a solution to resolve a current problem.

Sometimes, it’s not my time can be a way to avoid taking risks or making decisions due to fear of potential negative outcomes, creating a self-protective mechanism. We become afraid to think outside the box and just go with the flow with the rest of the world. We don’t want to stick out in the crowd because of fearful consequences. It’s crucial to assess whether it’s not my time is a helpful coping mechanism or a way to avoid taking necessary action. If we stay passive and let life pass us by, or take no action because of fear, we become victims, and that is not a good place to be. We are stronger than that as human beings. We know deep in our hearts we can make the time to teach others how to overcome fear and advocate for action. We know how to create that resilience in others to stand up to all of the injustices in the world.

Some individuals may strongly believe in a predetermined path in life, where certain events are meant to happen at specific times, leading to a sense of resignation or passive acceptance. I’m not ready to give up. I never believed in a predetermined life path and I’m certainly not going to give up and accept things that are just not right in the world, especially right now. I will keep shining a light (or paragraphs) on issues that must be addressed to help us heal and not be so angry all the time.

No matter how much we wish to stop time when hardship is on the horizon, we can’t go against it. The biggest favor we can do ourselves is to accept the passage of time, both when good and bad things happen. But the sooner we face our (and the world’s) troubles, the sooner they’ll be over. Every individual can make a difference.

So, yes, it’s not my time to give up. It’s my time to shine. It’s your time to do the same thing. I love you all and warm thoughts go out to you tonight!

Forgive and Live

“I release you; I forgive you; I wish only the best for you.”—Stephen Wurzel

The interesting thing about re-visiting and reading old science fiction novels is that back in the early days of this genre, the authors had no idea how far we would come with technology. Instead, they believed that their future selves would have cures for all illnesses, including the worst ones such as cancer and heart conditions.

We have come a long way with technology, yet this technology has sometimes led us astray and our hearts have suffered. And every year I ask: “Where are the flying cars, space resorts, and luxury yachts in space?” (Okay, really? The Fifth Element movie. It’s on TV allllll the time! Watch it and you will be happy!)

Our psyches have suffered because so many of us have bought into the “Must stay in touch with everyone and everything in every moment!” mental crisis, thus causing more stress and thus more diseases now than ever before. We also seem to have forgotten that old adage, that if you can forgive someone and just let it go you will be a healthier person.

Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress. And research points to an increase in the forgiveness-health connection as you age.

“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital. Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.”

Forgiveness is not just about saying the words. “It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not,” Dr. Swartz says. As you release the anger, resentment, and hostility, you begin to feel empathy, compassion and sometimes even affection for the person who wronged you. Here are a few of the things she listed in the article than you can be active with forging ahead:
Reflect and remember.
Empathize with the other person.
Forgive deeply.
Forgive yourself.
For more information see:
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it

Almost everyone has experienced being wronged by someone. It could be a former co-worker, friend, or family member. But hanging on to those negative feelings can do great harm to your health. It’s never easy, but if you dwell on all those past hurts, you fill your mind with negativity and anger. Free yourself of this and project kindness to the world, even if it is sometimes cruel.

“Practicing forgiveness can have powerful health benefits. Observational studies, and even some randomized trials, suggest that forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and hostility; reduced substance abuse; higher self-esteem; and greater life satisfaction. Yet, forgiving people is not always easy.”—Dr. Tyler VanderWeele, Harvard University. For his ideas, see go to: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-power-of-forgiveness

So forgive and forget every day you are here on this planet. And if you are having a tough time thinking about all this, here is my suggestion for today: Bake an upside-down pear cake with store bought cake mix and sautéed pears that are super ripe! Let it cool, turn it out of the pan so the pears are on top (right side up) and enjoy. So delicious!

Next, if you haven’t purchased a shredder yet, I encourage you to do so. Complete the mind-numbing task of shredding two years’ worth of old tax and household papers. Messy, but satisfying. I love you all on this cold winter’s night!

LIFE IS AN EDUCATION-Reflections from School in the 1960s-Civilization as it Stands-Part IV


Continuing from yesterday’s post:
What does this discourse in primary years of education say about our civilization and technological advancement? As society continues to change and grow, the individual must change and grow at the same rate. Some people change along with it. Some stay the same. We all want to continue to learn innovative ideas, but we are continuing to use old methods. We cannot get stuck in the past and forget our dreams, and our creative process based on our history. We must learn to accept our failures and get unstuck. If we continue to believe we cannot change, we will not change. We will stop learning new things. We will stay in jobs that are mentally unproductive. We will stop enjoying our lives. We will stop learning something new. We will begin to believe that this mundaneness is all there is to life.

If we continue to let only one percent of the world’s population make all our personal decisions, we will lose our courage to uproot negative feelings about ourselves and others. We will not believe in ourselves. We will refuse to believe that a single individual can make a change. If we can get beyond what our adolescent years taught us about learning new things, and dealing with new people, we can finally complete the growth process and become an adult and functioning human being. We won’t be as angry with ourselves – this anger which usually translates to anger at others and the world. We can finally learn to stop and take it one day, even one hour, at a time.

During the 1960s, we as a nation began discovering the individual and the individual in relation to the world that surrounded us. Some of us didn’t like what we saw and dropped out. We went to communes in hopes of achieving happiness. Some of us decided to become part of the political action scene. These were the ones who thought that working to elect new blood would change society. Some of us became activists, disliking the system and wanting to completely give up on society as it had become. To me, this is usually translated as blowing up s*#t, thus harming innocents in the process. Some of us still believed in the system enough to try and make changes by working for the government. Others simply rode the storm out. The influence of the Vietnam War permeated the sixties’ and early seventies movement. We blamed everyone except ourselves, including those young soldiers that came home from the war. Many of those young people came home to a disenchanted world and their psyches never recovered. They weren’t heroes to the very loud protestors. They were baby killers. That still makes me so sad to think we had abandoned them in a time when they needed us the most.

During the late 1960s, author Edward Abbey authored a book called Desert Solitaire. He was a great outdoors person and had strong beliefs in keeping the great open spaces pristine and undeveloped. Throughout my final high school year, I wanted more out of my personal reading. In making a discovery of his works, (and once again in the 1990s) I began to transform my thoughts about the world and how I wanted to fit in. His words made a meaningful change in my thinking during that time. I realized that I was only a tiny part of the vastness of his world. I was an insignificant speck. I would later discover how self-absorbed the society was becoming. In this same book, Abbey stated that he wasn’t “…opposed to humankind but only to man-centeredness, anthropocentricity, the opinion that the world exists solely for the sake of man…. He also stated that he was not opposed “…to science…but to science misapplied, to the worship of technique and technology….”  Finally, he stated that he was not opposed “…to civilization, but to culture….” (p. 305-306).

It was our culture that swept us into Vietnam. It wasn’t for mutual aid and our defense of our civilization. Rather, it was a judgment made by the men in power regarding the threat of the illusive communistic takeover. It was like any other war – a fight for monetary benefit. So, I personally couldn’t condemn the young people who were drafted into a non-war. I did condemn many of the political decisions made (such as the draft) to force those young men into a war zone. And I condemned those who spat on these same soldiers when they returned. A lot of my generation was too young to participate in the war or protests to the war. We could only observe what was going on through the mass media, so our reactions were detached from those who were already engaged in these actions. I would rediscover Abbey’s works in 1999 and would begin another attempt to live the life that I desired – a life that he had inspired me with his works.

In my college years, I began to realize that I wanted more. I wanted to make an impact. I wanted to make positive change in the world that I lived in. I didn’t want to be one of those who dropped out. As I began to realize that I did, indeed, have a place in the Universe, I wanted to save all the beautiful places and live there, whether it was in the mountains, or in the desert, or both. I thought that if I had enough knowledge, I could fight the system – the establishment. I knew that illegal actions were not the answer. I repeat: You can’t just blow s*#t up to solve the problem. It never does. I made a choice to fight within the system. But, as I began to learn, knowledge was not enough. Application was just as important.

Law enforcement was the career choice for me to create change, but there are so many other governmental entities that need an enlightened graduate. When it comes time for graduation, I hope the new generation will make a choice to work within the government walls, as hopeless as it seems right now to make changes from within. We must move forward and create a system of enlightened and integrated workforce that work ten times better than they were in the past.

Keep up the good work and thank you.

Remember today is the last day for the Colorado Gives Day campaign. I just gave donations to 5 different causes so please give what you can! Hugs to everyone and be at peace during this holiday season!

Note: Parts of this post were originally written for a graduate level class in the late 1990s. Some teaching methods have improved over the last two decades. I would love to hear teachers respond to this blog, how they help students learn, and what the new methods are to teach in an integrative learning environment. Thanks to all teachers who are dedicated to the craft in these trying times!

Dismantling Fear: A Path to Personal Empowerment

Dissatisfiers: Fear, Anger, and Prejudice. These are three underlying emotions that will control our lives, cause closed-mindedness, and inhibit growth. How can we recognize our hidden potential if we let these emotions control us? We can get back on the designated path if we acknowledge that these emotions are taking us in the direction we do not want to go. The last few posts have focused on anger and prejudice, but today I want to talk about fear.

The media will always give the worst-case scenarios. They need you to watch their feeds, so each station tries for more drama and gore. Exposure to negative news can lead to feelings of helplessness, depression, and aggression. The sensationalize or oversimplify stories that create fear. They oversimplify stories without providing enough context. It paralyzes us into taking no action. Consuming too much news, especially on television and social media, can increase emotional distress. This is sometimes called “doomscrolling”. It can make us panic and lose our ability to reason.

If we can re-focus and become more adventurous, we can increase our coping skills. We face each new situation with more knowledge and become fearless. We learn to make better decisions that are good for survival. By learning to make these personal decisions every time we venture out, we learn to be less apathetic because we are not afraid to get involved. In his book The Search, author, and wilderness expert Tom Brown, stated that “If I can face fear, real or imagined, it will disappear…. Fear can be overcome and panic abated by trust in oneself and one’s knowledge.”

By choosing to be fearless, we gain courage in our decisions and actions. We stand up to evil people with loving hearts. The late great Martin Luther King, Jr. believed in his cause, and was not deterred by accusations, threats, or warnings. Fear did not dominate him. He looked at a dangerous threat and continued to be an active participant of change because he wanted to help all people who were being oppressed. We cannot change everything, and terrible things are always going to happen to people who do not deserve it, but we can try helping one person every day. Alice Hoffman put it very succinctly in her book Faithful. “Who made it your job to feel guilty for every bad thing that happens?” We cannot stop every painful act to us or to another, but we can attempt to do the right thing every day we live.

We can all overcome fears about change by understanding the past, integrating old but good memories, and creating a better world for the future. We cannot fix Everything, Everywhere, All at Once (Title of excellent movie, by the way), but we can dwell on what we can do today. So, instead of watching the news, turn it off on all devices, and go for a walk in the neighborhood. Observe your surroundings. What can you change right now?

For more information on this subject, see my book Discover the Life You Want to Live (still on Amazon for purchase). I promise it will make you think and take you to a place that is better than where you are right now.