Tag Archives: relationships

Home for the Holidays

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I have returned to a book I have loved and found more wisdom to share. I am re-reading parts of David Brooks’ book, How to Know a Person, published in 2023. Christmas is here, and communication is the key not only to staying connected to your family but also to staying in touch with the world. His insights about how to actually communicate with people have helped me get through some interesting times. For example:

“I learned something profound along the way. Being open-hearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind, and wise human being. But it is not enough. People need social skills. We talk about the importance of “relationships,” “community,” “friendship,” “social connection,” but these words are too abstract. The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.” [Brooks, David. How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen (pp. 7-8). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.]

And:
“There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood. That is at the heart of being a good person, the ultimate gift you can give to others and to yourself [Emphasis mine]. Human beings need recognition as much as they need food and water. No crueler punishment can be devised than not to see someone, to render them unimportant or invisible.” [Brooks, David. How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen (p. 9). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.]

And finally:
“Many of our big national problems arise from the fraying of our social fabric. If we want to begin repairing the big national ruptures, we have to learn to do the small things well.” [Emphasis mine.] [Brooks, David. How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen (p. 12). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.]

“Big questions interrupt the daily routines people fall into and prompt them to step back and see their life from a distance. Here are some of my favorite questions that do that:
‘What crossroads are you at?’
‘What would you do if you weren’t afraid?’
‘If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?’
‘If we meet a year from now, what will we be celebrating?’
‘If the next five years are a chapter in your life, what is that chapter about?’
‘Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in?’” [Emphasis mine.]  [Brooks, David. How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen (pp. 90-91). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.]

So to put it mildly, think about open-ended conversations that keep people engaged. Have fun listening to others, only pausing them if they get too wrapped up in their B.S. Ask them to move on without either of you getting angry. Try to find a happy solution to differences, and be at peace with the fact that no one will share your every opinion.

I encourage you to read David Brooks and learn something new. Emanate love to all those surrounding you this holiday season. Keep your fun traditions (Lego Villages and baking cookies!) and shed all those that bring you sadness. Sing joyously with the Christmas CDs (or Spotify! Or wherever you get your music!). Enjoy the baking, the loving moments, and the memories you share with your family and friends.

AND Don’t forget to buy my book, available instantly on Amazon (ebook version). for a terrific present! Thanks to all of you who support my work!

I love you all on this crazy Colorado night. Hoping for no power outages, insane wind, and maybe even a little moisture! Have a terrific holiday season, and if I don’t write until the new year, be at peace with me and my messages, with yourself and others for a little while.

Thoughts of Friends

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Last night, I found this in my stash of miscellaneous thoughts and bad poems so I wanted to share:

Friends
When things are tough,
You’re all alone and it’s so rough,
Just remember your friends,
Who are always known.

They’re always there,
For you to share,
No need to hide,
They’re always inside.

They lead their own lives,
You may not hear,
From ones so dear,
For many years.

Suddenly, they reappear,
When you thought they’d forgotten.
How nice to see
Them in eternity.

Here are some others that I found enlightening from a blog site called Unwritten
https://www.readunwritten.com/2023/03/09/quotes-live-by-life-rough/
“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”—Theodore Roosevelt 
Focus on what you can do, and do it with pride.
“No matter what happens in life, be good to people.”—Taylor Swift
You never know if anyone is struggling. Everyone’s struggle looks different, and some hide it more than others. Don’t underestimate the power of kindness.
“Wherever you are, be all there.”—Jim Elliot 
As cliche as it sounds, it’s true: all we have is now. All we can really do is live in the present. You don’t have to love every moment you’re in, but try to be in every moment.
“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”—A.A. Milne 
You are amazing. It can be easy to forget when you compare yourself to others, but we’re all different in unique ways. The world will never have someone like you, someone with your exact talents and strengths. Never forget this.
“Not all those who wander are lost.”—J.R.R. Tolkien
How many of us can truly say we know what path we’re going on? I know I can’t, and that’s okay! Uncertainty is one of the few guarantees we have in life. can. Life is a journey, a book that hasn’t been fully written, so we may as well make the most of it.
“In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”—Robert Frost
It may seem impossible, but it’s true and worth repeating—life will go on. History shows us how much we’ve already been through. Whatever the future holds, we’ll make it.

So when the hazy days, bad atmosphere, and hot temperatures keep you inside and in your head, know that your friends are out there and will be there for you when you need them. It’s strange how they know when to call you (I have had visits from several this last week and connected once again). It’s amazing how life goes on and how you make it possible to continue to live and create wonderful life lessons.

Know that your first draft of your book is complete and out to the readers. Know that progress has been made and connections are happening for the book cover. Know that the zucchini and acorn squash will continue to give to you. Make something delicious and don’t worry about the rest. Have a terrific weekend and enjoy your friends and family. I love you all!

Birthdays and Worry

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Is it wrong to worry about the future when you are older than most people?
Is it wrong to worry about your child’s future so much that you make yourself sick?
Is it wrong to question why people are the way they are when they support an idiot in office with no regard to their families or other families?
Why are we where we are?
Why are we shooting people who are trying to do the right thing?
Why are people in power afraid to do the right thing?
STAND UP!

Today is my birthday and I am pondering the state of the union and the world as we know it. Each year that I am alive, I have seen the good and the bad of administrations in power and it seems that this one is really bad. I am amazed at the people who are turning out in droves to protest and feel good that there are so many of us who care about what is going on. I am also amazed at those in power who aren’t marching with us, who think that this king is right and just and they refuse to depose him. He should not be the one leading the country. What will it take to bring about change for the better?

Today I am asking everyone that have supported this administration to reflect on who you voted for. I am begging you to ask good questions of your representatives why they are letting all of this nonsense happen. I am asking the red states to turn a little more purple and vote out those who support him. I am asking everyone to be brave and send out love to those who are being oppressed. I am asking everyone to lose their prejudices and accept everyone the way they are. Don’t kick out those in the military who are different than you (you know who I’m talking about). They signed up to do a job to support their country, just like you and your children did when wars were looming (or not). They wanted to do their duty to keep democracy alive. I am begging you to stop ignoring your children if they tell you they are different that what you expect. Have an open and honest conversation with them. Accept them the way they are. Embrace their differences with pride. You raised them to be independent. They may not be the same as you and you need to be okay with that. Love them for who they are.

And finally, don’t be hateful to anyone who doesn’t look like you. They have a right to be on this earth just like you. And many of them were in this country long before your family came here. RISE UP and make a difference before it’s too late. Move beyond your small plane of existence and see the world in a multi-colored perspective. Thank you.
RISE UP

Love vibes to all on this fantastic summer day.

Learning to Listen and Happy Mother’s Day!

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Or: People want to hear what they want to hear, not necessarily the truth.
I keep returning to this concept that we aren’t hearing each other. We are so busy trying to insert our opinions upon others that we forget to breathe and take in what the other person is trying to say. Listening skills are difficult, and I know I am one of the worst offenders on this subject but I have noticed this in our inner circles as well, especially in spouses and children.

Sometimes we can feel ganged up on and stop talking about a subject. And sometimes the subject is important enough to try and have a conversation. We should be there in the present moment to understand what the other person is trying to say. We should listen to the nuances of what is being said, and believe what they are saying at the time. Questioning takes us off the track of what we are trying to communicate. And we shouldn’t overgeneralize a topic that is being discussed and hear one another.

For the most part, human beings just want to be heard by their friend, family member, or even a stranger who has reached out to us. Others don’t always need to solve the problem of the moment. And it’s okay if it doesn’t get solved right away. Just having someone to talk to can calm us and make us rethink a problem. It can help us come up with a solution later when we are alone with our thoughts.

Active listening is such a learned experience and very few of us have accomplished this skill. Today, I am just asking you to try and understand that what you hear isn’t always what another person says. Think before you put something forward and come to a conclusion. Enough said.

And on that note, I have returned to my gardens. Today was wonderful. Kiddo called and wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. Husband went to Indiana to visit his mom for the week. I took the day to clean up more weeds, put in edgers and rock borders, put down some pea gravel near the raised beds, and sorted the seeds for planting. Next week will be Home Depot runs for new shrubs and plants. I also will be getting the flowers, tomatoes, and green bean seeds into pots. When they are lovely and green in a few weeks, I’ll be transplanting them later into the wonderful, raised beds my family built for me. So excited! Thank you family for letting me have this time! Times like these help me regain perspective and energy to fight another good fight!

I send you all greetings for a Happy Mother’s Day and lots of hugs and love tonight!

Expectations and Control

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I have been pondering of late why we are so stressed out that we can’t even think and do the simplest of tasks. I think the negative energy surrounding us is so strong that we feel like we are out of control of our everyday lives. We cope by wanting to place our burden onto someone else for a moment. We don’t want to resolve our own problems yet we get upset with others when we put it on them and it doesn’t turn out the way we think it should. Our cognitive dissonance kicks in. Our mind spirals out of control. We are thinking that we both love the person trying to help us, and hate them for coming up with a solution at the same time. It is hard to understand that we are thankful that they tried to help us, but hate them because it wasn’t the solution we were hoping or looking for to solve the problem, and, as a result, we get angry and disappointed.

Our expectations of everything getting better, when a lot of things are getting worse, make us on edge and we don’t know what to expect. And it doesn’t help that the media is keeping it out there. We start to hate the people and events that don’t fit into our world, and start agreeing with the most egregious acts. We want to believe that everything is wonderful for us and all that is out there is affecting everyone else, not us. Well, I’m here to tell you, bad things are happening to EVERYONE. It’s how we deal with our daily lives and expectations that makes us survive in an unpleasant situation. It’s how we deal with others and treat them that makes us human beings and members of a society that only we can make better.

So here is my thought for today. Things in your bubble can be better if you treat others the way you want to be treated. Things in your bubble will get better if you take a break from the doomsday news and greet someone with love and kindness each day. Things in your bubble will get better if you believe you are in control of your own bubble and expect greatness of yourself. Be brave!

Finally, here are a few things I want to pass on to you after this crazy week I had:

  • I know you’re busy, but take some time to read the instructions. Find out why something isn’t working to your satisfaction.
  • Don’t blame the person on the phone.
  • You are expected to be an adult and take responsibility for researching the problem. The person you have called to fix a problem can help you, but it is ultimately your responsibility to understand why the problem exists and how to fix it in the future.
  • Slow down and take a breath before speaking.
  • Follow along when someone is trying to tell you something.
  • Contrary to popular belief the world doesn’t revolve around you!
  • We can get through it together. We all have to work together to fix any problem. It will take time. And remember, there is only so much time in a workday. There is never enough workers, and there are lots of jobs to do in a day!

Finally, I know I am prone to this, but I believe that we cannot isolate ourselves in a cocoon while all this is going on. Sure, we can turn off the news, but the buzz will always be around us. So here’s a thought: Take one hour for yourself, and take one hour for someone else each day that you live on this plane of existence.
For yourself, take a walk with your dog, or just by yourself. Go out and weed (I know! I know! But it really is fulfilling!) In a few weeks, plant your garden. Go swim and sing in the lap lane! Put your headphones on and get on the treadmill! Watch the movie A Complete Unknown and be taken back in time.

For others, walk and talk with them and listen to what they have to say. Be there in person and on the phone and in the present moment to help someone solve a problem. Try not to get frustrated with them because they are frustrated. And, read a wonderful tale of love and triumph. Purchase and read How We Learn to Be Brave by Mariann Edgar Budde and “…be responsible for your rose [from Le Petit Prince]…[and] “…Be a person upon whom others [can] depend and relish the days when nothing important seems to be happening….”

I love you all and I trying to live in the present moment every day even when it is hard. I ask that you to do the same!

May the 4th be with you!!!

Corporate America Needs to WAKE UP!

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Or: Why is Corporate America so Ridiculously Stupid?
I have been pondering all of the cutbacks happening right now that affect celebrations of our heritage. People who have never been oppressed (generally, white people) and those that are in power say DEI is discriminatory. BIPOC people say it’s about inclusion of everyone and recognizing that all people aren’t white. I am in agreement with the BIPOC folks. We have never discriminated against the majority of white folks getting a job. Everyone else has to fight every step of the way to make others see beyond the differences. They have to fight their way into the job market, or housing, or other essentials necessary to live in our society.

Cutting back and refusing to give to endeavors that celebrate life and people in all of their colorful display is shameful. Traditional events are still ongoing, and are getting funded from corporations, so why do the people with money think it’s bad news to give funding to events like Juneteenth or Pride festivals? I am asking those who have all the purse strings right now to WAKE UP!

I am asking all citizens to stop being afraid of having conversations regarding how corporations are spending their money. And I am asking corporate CEOs to stop being afraid of those in power (that guy in office) who says it’s not cool to help others who have differences than you, particularly their heritage or lifestyle. Remember that no one who has immigrated to North America at any time was a pure white person. We all have bits and pieces of everything inside and that’s what makes us a great person, and an even better nation! We all have to figure out this fear inside that makes us pull back from our differences. We all have to trust in that Golden Rule and decide that this simple way of living will make you a better person. Here are a few quotes that might help you recognize this:

  • “Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.” ~ John Wesley
  • “Giving frees us from the familiar territory of our own needs by opening our mind to the unexplained worlds occupied by the needs of others.” ~ Barbara Bush
  • “The highest use of capital is not to make more money, but to make money do more for the betterment of life.” ~ Henry Ford
  • “When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” ~ Maya Angelou
  • “It is from the numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.” ~ Robert Kennedy
    https://www.azquotes.com/quotes/topics/giving-to-others.html

We need to have conversations about this and other subjects regarding what is right regarding the treatment of others in this world.

David Brooks in his book, How to Know a Person stated that “A good conversation is not a group of people making a series of statements at [emphasis mine] each other….A good conversation is an act of joint exploration….A good conversation sparks you to have thoughts you never had before.”

We all think we are better than others at communicating but we haven’t really been taught how to have real two-way conversations. It is a difficult concept to master and we need to work at being better at listening. We all have something to say on every subject but sometimes it’s okay to get beyond our self-inhibitions and actively participate equally. We must acknowledge the other person in the conversation with respect, but a shouting match is not communicating with each other. Try to overcome what triggers your feelings and think about what is being said by the other person.

We can overcome anything if we reach consensus at what is being said and done in this world. I will never back down on my belief in equality, equity, and inclusion. It’s time to start the conversation once again and unite as a people, defying those in power who will not rise above the madness. And, once again, give a little bit of your time and money to those who participate in the worldwide celebrations of life.

Love to all and enjoy the springtime, including all of us weeds!

Blame Game – Continued

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“If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he’ll look for his own answers.”—Patrick Rothfuss

“You are responsible for your life. You can’t keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on.”—Oprah Winfrey

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”—Wayne Dyer

“Some people love being victims because they love being able to blame someone else. Accountability [emphasis mine] is too much for them. They don’t like being responsible [emphasis mine] for who they have become or where they are in life.”—Anonymous

So I had to stop and take a breath last night but I’m back. Sometimes I just overwhelm myself with my dreadful thoughts. This will be my 135th post today.

But you all know I’m not wrong. I want to continue down this pathway for a little longer and promise to say something nicer tomorrow.

Author Finn Robinson states that some people have had past encounters where failure led to punishment of some kind, therefore they are ruled by fear. Thus, they feel that they are justified in thinking that others should be punished for their actions. He also stated that these same people aren’t good with taking criticism, even if it is perceived criticism. They have a hard time learning from their past mistakes and feel it is just someone else’s fault. They live in denial, or in the case of seniors, in their version of the past. Unfortunately, the past isn’t always a better time. It’s better to learn from our mistakes and move on to a new way of doing things. For further information see his article:
People who blame everyone else instead of taking responsibility for things share 12 common traits

Arash Emamzadeh authored an interesting article in Psychology Today. He stated that “…blaming others is a defense mechanism [or] an unconscious process that protects the finger-pointer and blame-shifter from experiencing unpleasant feelings, such as guilt or shame.” He further stated that “Blaming is usually considered part of the defense mechanism called projection, which involves denying one’s own anxiety-provoking or negative characteristics and seeing them instead in others.” Finally, he asked: “Are certain individuals more likely to shift blame onto others? Yes, according to a recent series of investigations by Kaufmann and colleagues: Blamers tend to have difficulties with emotion regulation. For further information go to:
Why Some People Will Always Blame Others | Psychology Today

Accountability and responsibility. Author Lachlan Brown takes a step regarding how you can reclaim your life and be who you need to be. You don’t need to blame others if you step up and admit you are accountable for your own behavior. He lists 11 tips to accomplish this. Here are a few:  

  • Stop blaming other people. The most important step to taking responsibility for your life is to stop blaming others.
  • Stop making excuses.
  • Ask yourself how other people impact you if you think you are a victim.
  • Love yourself.
  • Stop complaining – this takes more energy than just accomplishing what you need to do.

The rest of his tips can be found at: https://hackspirit.com/taking-responsibility/

So, sometimes we get it that you may feel isolated and lonely, and want to have human interaction. However, there are so many places that you can visit to talk to others and resolve what is going on with you. Volunteer to help others so you understand there are bigger issues in the world. And maybe take a breath and count to five the next time you call wanting heads to roll at a government office for something that you could have easily fixed yourself. Enough said….

Love and hugs to those in need tonight! Enjoy the flowers popping up. Enjoy the weather before the storm in your lovely little part of Colorado.